As I drove out here this morning, I had lots of time to think. I had many thoughts.
One: I can't decide if i have great respect or deep concern for those of you who drive out East every weekend to go to a cabin or tent or trailer. Oh my goodness. With the traffic (and it wasn't bad because it is Monday morning) and the construction!!! Agh!! Semi's breathing down your neck even though you are going slightly above speed limit (except in the construction zones - not getting caught there!) and then whip out to pass you even before there is room to pass you. My goodness. You folks have my kudos and my prayers!!
One A: construction zones. Ok. my pet peeve. construction zones are one of those things that just about drive me crazy! There is nothing incredibly clear about them. one sign says you are entering construction zones so slow down. then on the way out you can speed up to 100 but the end of construction zone is another couple kilometres past that. So you are always feeling a bit uneasy.
Two: I am not exploring new territory by heading out on my own. I had this thought that I was breaking ground by going on a solo retreat. No husband. No kids. Just me, my laptop, iphone, ipad (you know, the essentials) and sweats, sweatshirts and a bunch of food. And there are many out there who are thinking, 'are you crazy? all on your own? driving out to Kenora? staying by yourself? aren't you going to be bored? What will you do?'
But then i started to think about it. There are many, many folks who head to the lake ahead of their spouse or spend a week without a spouse or friend or kid at the lake. I have an aunt, a cousin, more folks that i know who have gone ahead to open up the cabin and then stayed a few days. So this isn't a big new thing!! I am not breaking new ground nor setting a trend. It's just weird for me to go out on my own. This is new. But it is not a new thing for people to do.
Three: Why can I not just enjoy the nothing of nothing. Why am I feeling like I need to 'do' something? There is a constant nagging that i need to get up and go walk and explore - just do something. Perhaps even just put out that blog or wash the dishes. There is this little nagging thing that sits at the edge of my relaxation and tells me this is wrong. I can't just sit and relax in my own thoughts, quiet, or even watching something on tv. It's like I have to beat the part of me that can't just stop into submission. (Now, I can't do this forever. I understand that. Having a good work ethic is important. Being lazy and sitting around all the time is not the answer to all problems. I am glad that I do have that in my psyche. I just wish that my pysche could also accept the nothing moments for what they are. moments of quiet. moments of no guilt/stress. Just be.
Four: As I was driving along, I thought about a lot of things. Some so crazy that i won't share them for fear that a white van, with white suited people with a white straight jacket will come knocking on my door.\
But one thought leads to the next and I started to think about heaven and what that might look like. There are stories out there of people who have died and come back and they talk about their experiences. People know each other and don't even need to speak. People are all welcoming you. All very nice. But I thought about how many people have died since the beginning of time. Where do all those people fit?? heaven must be gigantic. And if it is that gigantic, then will we find everyone we want to see? How does everyone get to be near Jesus? Will we have to book appointments to get a chance to ask King David questions or sit and chat with Abraham, Peter, Paul? There have got to be a lot of people in heaven. Just something that crossed my mind.
Five: Proverbs 3:4-5. Those are the verses that Bernie has asked me to work on over a few days. "Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try and figure out everything on your own." (Hmmm, maybe that #4 thought is what he is getting at?) "Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best." (The Message)
I have grown up trusting God and believing in him. It is the atmosphere I grew up in. My parent's guiding me, the church a big part of my life. My friends. School. Very seldom did I question that God was God. I still don't. But recently, I was asked a question that goes against everything I believe - both biblically and scientifically. And the question's answer maybe doesn't even matter. Maybe.
But it has caused me to think about this idea of an innate faith. Part of my belief is simply from being immersed in it, watching it around me, hearing about it. The same way I trusted my parents because they were always caring, protecting, feeding, changing, loving me - I just trusted them. So I trust God. However, as I got older I asked more questions and looked deeper. So i had questions, even doubts, but that innate faith has always been my grounding. Same as my parents. I had questions, went against some of their thinking, changed my perspective, didn't always agree - but i always had that innate knowledge that I was loved - no matter what (even when making crazy decisions to drive on my own to Kenora!)
So when someone asks a hard question whose background is different than mine, it is harder to just say, 'well have faith - it just is.' Because they may not have that same faith.
not sure that all makes sense. I'll give it more thought as I ponder those verses.
For now. It is time to go back to nothing. Aint' it grand!!