Today starts out strong...
Coffee and an 'actual' breakfast. This may not seem like much, but if you know me AT all, you know that i don't really do breakfast. Toasting some bread at work and spreading some plastic yellow over it is a big deal. SO, while by myself, I actually created a breakfast worthy of... um, someone who likes breakfast.
I made a ChickPea Egg Spinach Fry (not it's best title!). So, quickly...
1/2 can of chickpeas drained
1 cup fresh spinach
eggs (how ever many you want)
oil/butter (I used some of each - butter just makes things butter, i mean better!)
Throw the oil and butter in pan and warm it up. Throw in the chickpeas and spinach and cook for about 3-4 minutes. Add salt and pepper to taste.
Add an egg, or two. Cook for about 3-4 minutes. Sprinkle with Cajun seasoning.
(Don't need to mash it up - just let eggs cook till you like the consistency.)
Add a couple slices of toast - really quite yummy and full of iron, vitamin c, fibre.
OH, and make coffee!!
So pretty good start, hey?
Then... well, I listened to Steve Bell's Solace, on the recommendation of a friend. It was created for those in grief or going through health crisis. I had just heard of someone who has been diagnosed with a very very aggressive cancer - ridiculously aggressive. She was on my heart and mind all day. While listening, I took out a calligraphy pen and ink and tried to create some 'artwork' while listening. If you are going to try calligraphy with an actual calligraphy pen and ink - at least bring the correct paper along - my scratch pad did not work well with this project.
On the 2nd CD in the Steve Bell set, he interviews different people about their views on grief and heaven. During this time i was struck firstly by a gentleman who was diagnosed with ALS. Part way through the interview, Steve asked him, if you could change things, would you? The man paused a long time, you could hear him gathering himself. He said, no. There were obvious tears and emotion. He said, this is my journey, it is my wife's journey, it is my friends journey.
wow. I heard myself say, I would change things. And then guilt.
A little later on the CD, Steve interviews a woman. She lost her husband and had young children. She talked about being angry. She talked about not wanting to talk about it - did not want those blanket phrases thrown at her. In fact, one person said to her, I know of someone who was saved because of your husband's death and the stories that came out of that. This woman replied, I would trade all those souls to have my husband back.
She shared that in all that time her faith wasn't lost - she was just angry and hurt. She compared it to Jesus on the cross and how he cried out, my God, my God, where art thou! She said, Jesus had a time where even he cried out. If this cup can be taken... where are you God? So why was it so wrong for her to cry out. Through it all, her faith was still strong. She believed in God and in heaven - because without that - how can you even cry out? it was because of her faith that she could cry out.
If you get the chance, listen to it yourself. I am totally paraphrasing the comments - but that is what i drew out of it.
Steve Bell's Deep to Deep Song This is not the version on the CD.
At that point I lashed out and questioned God. I feel guilt about feeling so bad about losing my dad - why? Because for so many he was old; he lived a good life; he had 'great' kids and grandkids; he farmed well; he retired well; he was a good man; a Christian man. In comparison to losing someone young - why should I hurt so much?
But he was my dad. He was my coffee buddy. Our building partner. he was still such a strong influence on people. He was still capable of spreading God's love. He was still a peacemaker and a listening ear. For me it is all relative. He may have been 'old', but he was still my dad and I gave God an earful!
So would I change things if I could?
Forgive me. I'm still selfish. I can't see the bigger plan. I am still wondering why you left us with this emptiness, God. i'm still in that space. I love you. I trust you. I believe in you. I recognize that someday I will see the whole picture. I'm just a little ticked off right now.