Right now - right now we are smack dab in the middle of the weirdest, strangest, scariest times in our lives - COVID-19. Right now I feel strange - confused, sad, a bit scared, a little tired, a lot curious, and a lot hopeful.
CONFUSED: Some days I wake up thinking this is all over and we will just get back to life as per 'normal'. I look outside and watch the waters flow by (Red River) and see ice breaking up and geese landing on the frigid water to bathe and I think - hmmmm... exactly what spring should look like. Then it just takes seconds to recognize that we are not in a normal frame of mind. Facebook posts, Instagram posts, the News, the fact that I question whether I should go get my mail from downstairs or not - remind me that we are in a different world.
It is quite amazing, however, how quick we can adapt. We actually can stand 6-feet apart (I struggle with this when my grandkids and kids are close by!), we can disinfect our food and groceries when we get home, we can go through a bottle of wine in a night, we can eat smarties and peanuts together and we can manage without large group gatherings. But it is all so weird - so strange. I don't know about you, but right now when I walk in a store to grab the essentials: tp, chips and carrots, I feel like either I am the one with cooties or everyone around me is. Almost like playing tag without the tagging. COVID is it and we are all trying to get away. But I walk in a store and I almost feel like I need to put my hands in the air as I walk around - don't touch until I know 100% I want that item. But - don't you sometimes want to see what is involved in baking that cake mix before you buy it? I might need more eggs or milk or oil. Don't you want to see how many calories are in that bag of cookies? (nah. skip that) We are so used to touch and touching. We examine our fruit, our products - we squeeze our bread (not sure why that is a thing - why do you want squished bread? Or do you squish it and put it back assuming that the one beside it will be just as soft so you take the unsquished one with the assurance it is squishable. These are the moments that make it confusing - we are all breaking habits -good and bad. One habit that has turned to the good is - I wash my fruit. YES, I am guilty of not always having washed my fruit - but now? You betcha.
SAD: From a hugger to those out there who are not - AGGGGHHHHHH. I am struggling. My instinct is to hug my friends, my family, my grandkids. Because my hubby works essential service, so he goes in to work everyday, he will not let me have the grandkids down or be able to see my other kids - and I get it - it is just really hard. When I hear the predictions of how long this might last, I cry -if not outwardly, inwardly I am sobbing. For those, like a couple of my son-in-laws, who don't always appreciate their hugs from me like they should - this is a heaven sent!! BUT - you wait boys - when this is over...
SCARED: This feeling I try to shove down. I try to ignore it. My mind can take this virus/pandemic to another level. The other week I shared one of my scenarios with my hubby- Maybe, I said, this is a ploy from China and they set this into motion so that the rest of us would all fall apart physically and mentally and financially - then they will move in and take over (I shared this in more detail). By the time I was done, I was crying and saying things like, I don't know if I can survive torture - what if I can't stand up for my faith. What if, what if, what if. My good hubby said, right now we are here in this space - relax. I took a deep breathe and released it with a good laugh. There is enough fear mongering out there, I don't need to create my own. Funny though - I wasn't afraid of getting sick, just getting tortured. hmmmm. curious.
TIRED: I have always wanted to work from home. This has been a dream since - well probably since I realized how good I had it when I desperately wanted to go back to work!! I like being home and doing work - don't get me wrong - but I am really missing the people. I miss the small interruptions. The coffee breaks, lunch breaks, game breaks. I miss just getting up and walking down the hall to see if so and so is in or the other so and so is in. And, in this, I am finding myself more tired now than when i was going to work each day. What is that about? The weather doesn't help. My husband's snoring doesn't help (Although I think, fingers crossed, we might have that beat with our new bed that we installed yesterday...) I am finding it hard to be motivated. I can get through my work day more or less - but after that I am toast.
ASIDE: We bought a bed from Douglas Mattresses/Good Morning.com and it all arrived yesterday. For this bed we didn't just need to set-it up - we had to INSTALL IT. Yes. We are at that age that we purchased a bed that goes up and goes down and might even go round and round! We had to put together USB ports, make sure the massage mechanisms were correct, plug that bad boy in - open up the 'blow-up' mattress - cover it with a protective barrier, add our sheets and climb in. BUT.... worth every minute last night even though we were still setting up - I mean installing it at 10:30 at night!! No snoring!!
CURIOUS: Right now I stand curious. What will change in our world forever more after this? What will I be like after this? What things will we change going forward? How many more will be infected, get sick, and/or even die? What is the big picture? Where do I fit into that picture? How can I be of service to others. How do I get my hair coloured and cut? Will I still fit into my clothes when this is done?
HOPEFUL: I need to remain hopeful. I desire to stay hopeful. I want to stay hopeful. Without hope, what do I have? I hope that we will soon be wrapped in each other's arms again. I hope that we can visit with our friends and play games in person, not just online. I hope the church learns from this and we do some renovations to the way we do church. I hope that we learn about our environment and learn how to keep it healthy. If we can do things like social distance and wash our oranges in soap and water - surely we can do better at recycling, reusing and reducing. Let's keep the dophins in Italy - let's keep the pollution down - let's keep our streets emptier - let's do our part. I also hope that my hubby will manage to colour my hair with the items my daughter gave him - I am hoping that I emerge from that with all my hair, just not grey! (And I hope I still love him and him me after that activity!)
My hope lies in Jesus, who commands my destiny. "No power of hell, no scheme of man can every pluck me from his hand... Here in the power of Christ I stand." Enjoy the version by @LaurenDaigle below